The Espada Meeting
by Hasu Kurenai
Summary: They have a meeting room. So they must have a lot of meetings, right? What happens in these meetings? Well...the title is a give away. Rated T for language.


_**Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach or any of the characters. If I did, I wouldn't have killed off all the cool people… **_

Aizen sipped his tea and sighed. Starrk grunted quietly in his sleep. Hallibel wriggled slightly in her chair. Nnoitra coughed. Grimmjow clicked his tongue quietly in tune to 'jingle bells'.

"Sooo...."

There was some more shuffling and sighing. Even a sneeze.

"Bless you", Gin chirped. Ulquiorra nodded in reply.

"Right people. Down to business. Come on, look lively! Gin, what's on the agenda for this meeting? Kaname, are you ready to take the minutes?" Aizen placed his hands palm down on the lacquered surface of the table.

Kaname clicked his pen twice in readiness.

Aizen smirked and leaned back in his chair. "Excellent."

Gin placed the tips of his fingers together and silently mimicked his superior. Nnoitra sniggered, receiving a frosty glare from Aizen.

After subduing the Quinta, Aizen nodded at Gin.

Ichimaru cleared his throat. "Okaaaay...Twinings tea, chocolate biscuits, loo paper-"

The espada exchanged bewildered glances. Aizen frowned. Kaname's hand hovered over the page, ready to take notes at a moment's glance.

"-avocado, Philadelphia li- ...hang on a sec...oh wait this is the shopping list..sorry peoples.."

He shuffled some papers around and took out a new folder.

Aizen sighed impatiently and glanced at Kaname. "N-no, don't take that down!"

"Oh", Tosen sullenly tore out the page and tossed it languidly across the room.

It hit the Sexta Espada with suspicious precision. Grimmjow snarled and vented his fury by aiming the missile at Nnoitra. It managed to hit him on the cheek.

Nnoitra leapt to his feet in, knocking his chair to the ground in the process.

"You fucking bast-"

"Please", Aizen closed his eyes and massaged his temples. "Please just sit down. Let's not have another episode. Please."

Nnoitra reluctantly sat down. And landed in a mess of gangly limbs and greasy black hair on the ground. Grimmjow burst out laughing. There were a few quiet sniggers from the rest of the Espada.

"Hmm? What happened?" Kaname looked up.

"Nnoitra fell on his ass! Stupid dickhead.." Grimmjow was still chuckling. A furious Nnoitra scrambled to his feet. He pointed his scythe-like Zanpakuto at the blue haired Espada.

"Enjoy your last moments, asshole", he hissed. He looked ready to leap over the table and kill his comrade.

Ulquiorra stared at them. It was unfathomable as to how he managed to inject so much disgust into such an emotionless expression. "How pathetic."

Nnoitra turned on him straight away. "Whaddidya call me, ya little shit?"

Ulquiorra sniffed disdainfully.

"Please speak a language we can all understand, you imbecile."

"YOU'RE FUCKING DEAD!"

"For the love of god…" Aizen put his head in his hands as war broke out.

"Ah! Here it is!" Ichimaru triumphantly waved a plastic folder in the air.

"Finally", Aizen muttered. "Now, now…ladies and gentlemen…excuse me…will yo-…OKAY, SHUT THE HELL UP! EVERYONE"

The table was silent.

Ichimaru cleared his throat. "Now…let's see..oh, okay."

Kaname clicked the pen eagerly. Ichimaru stood and began to pace slowly.

"Where do we want to be in…say…five years time?"

"In Hueco Mundo!"

Ichimaru pointedly ignored the exclamation. "What do we want to accomplish? What are our aims? Where do we want to see ourselves?"

Everyone looked thoughtful. Grimmjow snapped his fingers. "I've got it!"

"Please share your thoughts on this matter, Grimmjow", Aizen said politely.

"Dancing on Kurosaki Ichigo's grave!"

"Okaaay. Good luck with that", Ichimaru replied, cheerful as ever.

"Hmm, what about you, Ulquiorra?"

"Banged up in a mental institution on anti-depressants!" Nnoitra sneered.

"Idiot."

"Shut up, emo freak!"

"SHUT UP!"

"Yes, Aizen-sama".

"Anyone else?"

"Annihilate Soul Society?"

"Excellent, thank you, Starrk. Any other ideas?"

"We should introduce chemical warfare. I'd be happy to research tactics", Szayel adjusted his glasses as he spoke.

"Great idea. Get straight on that." The Octava nodded enthusiastically, pink hair bouncing.

"I think we should infiltrate Soul Society, get in close and stay one step ahead of them."

"Definitely worth considering, Hallibel!"

Kaname scribbled eagerly on the paper, and Aizen smiled and nodded.

"That's okay for now people! I have a few issues we need to address, so can I have your attention please? That means stop playing rock-paper-scissors, Grimmjow and Nnoitra."

"Ha! I so won that one! You're so crap at this, Grimm-kitty!"

"Stop calling me that, you stupid asshole!"

"Aww, there there, ickle kitty, I'm sure if you ask Ulquiorra nicely, he'll lend you some yarn!"

"What?"

"Where do you think Aizen-sama got that woolly scarf?"

"That's absolutey facinating, Nnoitra. Now shut up."

Everyone quieted down, knowing the sooner they did so, the sooner they could leave. But where Aizen-sama had gotten a woolly green scarf had been an enigma for quite some time now. Who knew Ulquiorra was such a dab-hand at knitting?

"Right", Ichimaru rooted through his numerous folders and papers. "Okay, anyone who needs anything from the shops, write it down on the shopping list on the notice board over there. Oh, and no more peanut butter balls, it turns out Zommari is allergic."

He balanced a precarious pile of paper on his knee, with a few in his mouth, trying to flick through a violet coloured folder.

"Oh, and whover keeps leaving the toilet seat up on the third floor? Yeah, we had some complaints. So stop it."

Aizen looked shifty.

"Tomorrow is Barragan's two-hundred thousandth birthday! So remember to say a big happy birthday to him tomorrow! Also, combat training for Arrancars aged three to eleven has been moved to the new hall, but that isn't really relevant to you guys…oh, anger management classes are cancelled for the next two weeks while Tanaka-san recovers from his fall…"

"_Off the twelfth floor_", Aizen enunciated, glaring at Grimmjow. The latter didn't notice however, as he high-fived Nnoitra. "Cool! No sessions for two whole weeks!" Grimmjow looked pleased. "Yeah! More time to go kill people!" Nnoitra agreed enthusiastically. Hallibel rolled her eyes.

Aizen sighed. "Give me strength…"he muttered.

"…the form and payment for the cookery classes needs to be in next week, Ulquiorra. Make sure you give to Yoshida-san."

Ulquiorra bowed his head in acknowledgement.

"Szayel, are you ready to start up the science classes again? I've had some enquiries.."

"The Science Buddies is back on track. Tell people it'll take place every Thursdsay at two o' clock", Szayel said triumphantly.

"Excellent", Ichimaru scribbled down something quickly.

The rest of the Espada hovered on the edge of their seats, ready to jump up and leave. The whole room was silent.

"Can we go now?" One hopeful voice queried.

"Yes", Aizen sighed. "Bugger off."

The Espada whooped and sonidoed out of the room.

"Hey!" Ichimaru complained. "I still had some announcements! Like the educational trip to the human world and-"

"Do you seriously think I would let ANY of them go on an 'educational trip' to the human world? It would be a disaster, Gin", Aizen pressed his fingers to his temples and sighed.

"They're a trial to me."

Ichimaru gave him a sympathetic pat on the shoulder. Suddenly a scream erupted from the floor below.

"YOU STUPID IDIOT! THAT WAS HIGHLY CONCENTRATED HYDROCHLORIC ACID!!"

"Relax Szayel, Nnoitra has the '_hardest hierro_' of us all", Grimmjow sniggered.

Ichimaru and Aizen exchanged a glance. "Just ignore it", Ichimaru advised, waving his hand dismissively.

_**Heh, I hope you enjoyed that. It was pretty fun to write. Please review! Thanks for reading ^_^**_


End file.
